1. So, What's Next? A Baby?
Congratulations, you have officially become the worst wedding guest. Traditionally, people do start having babies sometime after marriage, but why ask that on their wedding day of all days?
It's the question that the couple may hear from a Great Aunt, but from someone who knows better, they should hear no such thing. This is assuming you're someone who knows better.
Listen, the bride and groom just got done planning a huge celebration that isn't even over. Maybe, let them finish the wedding and sit down for a minute or two before you start asking about what they plan to name their first-born?
2. The Food Was Cold / Bland / Spicy / Anything Else . . .
Wedding food traditionally isn't great. I mean, if you think about the fact that 150 entrees (or more) all have to go out at once, it's easy to image why some dishes may be sub par.
If you travelled for the wedding and then splurged on their gift, you may have hoped to get a great meal out of it. But, this is a wedding, not a Cheesecake Factory.
You are not there to necessarily be fed. You are there to celebrate the union of two loved ones. If the food really sucked, just know that you can hit up a McDonald's after the celebration is over.
3. How Much Did You Pay For All Of This?
Whether you are impressed with the elegant wedding or a little disappointed by the seemingly very budgeted wedding, this is not a question that is okay to ask (especially on the wedding day).
If you're planning a wedding of your own and are trying to get a ballpark number, you could perhaps ask this question months after the wedding is over, explaining that you are trying to budget a wedding of your own. But even then, the question would be a bit tacky.
Whatever the couple may have paid is between them. Saving for a wedding is a stressful ordeal and bringing that up while the couple is celebrating their union may put a damper on their day.
4. You Didn't Invite "Jamie"
Whoever Jamie may be in relation to the bride and groom - a childhood friend, a roommate, a coworker - they didn't make the cut.
You, however, did make the cut since you're there, so try not to draw attention to poor Jamie, who is sitting at home, not celebrating with the bride and groom.
You also aren't aware of why Jamie didn't make the cut. Jamie could have had a falling out with the bride and groom or perhaps, doesn't approve of the marriage and declined to come. You never know the case as to why someone isn't there so it's best to keep your lips sealed.
5. The DJ Sucks !
Okay, so the DJ keeps playing hits from the 70s and there is only so much Bee Gees that one can tolerate. But that's not up to you. The bride and groom might be really into the 70s, or really into the Bee Gees, or maybe, they are catering to a sick aunt, who they want to have a really good time.
Another possibility is that the parents of the bride or groom paid the DJ, and therefore dictated the playlist, so the excessive amount of Bee Gees may be annoying the bride and groom as well (and pointing out that the DJ sucks will only further the irritation).
Whatever the case, starting small talk by critiquing the DJ is not the correct route.
6. I Want To Make A Toast
This is something that may be said after a close friend or family member has had one too many glasses of champagne and is really feeling the love. Feeling love is great, but making an impromptu speech is not.
The bride and groom have thoughtfully planned out each moment of this wedding and have asked those close to them to make speeches, speeches that were written on rehearsed, not drunkenly thought up.
Those asked to make speeches are usually members of the bridal party or parents of the bride or groom, in other words: people who have spent a lot of time and money on this wedding. Trying to jump into the mix is not okay. Express your love to the couple and stay away from the microphone.
7. You Don't Mind That I Brought A Guest, Right?
If you brought a guest when a guest wasn't specifically addressed on your invitation, you're one of those horrible, horrible people. Even if you've started dating someone you really like and see a future with them, bringing a guest that you weren't invited with is bad news.
Flying solo to a wedding can be awkward and will sometimes make you feel left out of the couples club, but grin and bear it. It's really not that bad. On the bright side, if you attend by yourself, you don't have anyone tying you down.
You can mingle all night along, without having to introduce that person who you've been dating for all of three months to everyone you know.
8. Can't I Sit At That Table?
Um, no. Seating arrangements are made ahead of time and much thought is put into who sits where. If you are seated at a table with a bunch of people you don't know very well, maybe it is because the bride and groom think you're so outgoing and cool that you can make friends with anyone.
Or, maybe they think that you always have such a good time, that you'll have a blast sitting anywhere, even the reject table (because, let's be honest, there's always a reject table). If you're sitting with a bunch of people you don't know, take it as a compliment instead of asking to change seats, which will undoubtedly annoy the bride and groom.
Asking the bride and groom about anything other than their honeymoon plans or something else equally relaxing and fabulous is just not okay.
9. I Put Your Gift On The Gift Table
Any form of referencing the gift you bought the couple is just tacky and will just make the conversation awkward. Yes, the bride and groom are happy you came and are happy you are showering them with gifts, but they just want to enjoy the day, not the material goods.
They'll have to awkwardly thank you, even though they have no idea what said gift is.
If you are super excited about the awesome cutting board you bought the couple off their registry, you'll have to be okay with just knowing that they will be happy to receive it (even if you don't get to see the joy in their faces).
10. Um, It's Not An Open Bar ? !
Yes, weddings are about celebrating the union of two people in love, but they are also about having a great time, in which alcohol can certainly be an aid. Unfortunately, weddings are pretty expensive these days and the couple you are there to celebrate may not be able to afford an open bar (or may only be able to afford a beer and wine bar).
If you're upset about paying for libations, look around at the entire party that they planned and appreciate the music, food, decorations and everything else that they paid for instead.
Then, calm down and pay the 6 euro for your Jack and Coke. Also, if you know ahead of time, sneak a flask in like a pro.
share with a friend who is getting married